For you, with you, to you

We met on Feeld, you were already in a relationship and you and your partner were thinking about opening it up. That attracted me, I thought it was hot. I’ve toyed with the idea of open relationships before, polyamory, ENM, swinging – it all appealed to me. Why not? I’ve never been particularly jealous, I have a very high sex-drive, and no longer wanting to only have sex with my partner has been part of the motivation for previous breakups.

When we started talking, and then eventually seeing eachother, it was natural to assume that’s where it was going. And again, that excited me. I’m constantly travelling for work, and you live on the other side of the country, it makes sense. But as we’ve got to know each other, as, to be honest, I fell for you, I hate the idea of you with another man.

This caused me more than a little consternation. You had broken up with your previous partner by this point, because she didn’t want to be open. Then you messaged me saying you didn’t want to sleep with anyone else, that you wanted to save that for me. My heart soared. I have never smiled so much at a message, how your feelings echoed mine so perfectly. How you’d had the guts to say what I wanted to say so much. God, you are perfect. We are perfect.

I still don’t know what the future holds. I’m afraid. Afraid in the end I won’t be enough for you, that you’ll realise that I’m better at promises than actions. That the distance and my time away will leave you unsatisfied. That I wont be able to get past my insecurities and give you everything that I want to. But god, I’m going to give it my all. I am going to work on it.

I would be most comfortable with us exploring together. Other men, other women. Maybe a hot trans girl would be a fair compromise? I have zero bisexuality in me, unfortunately. But if there were other women there too, maybe I could block that side of things out. Who knows, maybe I’ll find it hot. And if ultimately you decide polyamory or an open relationship is what you want, we will make that work. God knows I love flirting with women, love trying to win women over and charm them. And I have always been good at it. I’ll have fun. The idea of you being with other men will always hurt, but there’s got to be give and take. I would want it to work. For you, and for me.